2004-12-22 - 4:15 a.m.
Let just a little magic into your life. Trust me, you'll be happier for it.
Through the years, I have come to realize that I do not have a comfortable grasp on who I am. To this point in time, this has been a mere annoyance, something, that from time to time, I would worry about, but ultimately decide was impossible to fix. Moreover, I have been able to live a rather successful life despite this bother, and it hasn't seemed to cause many problems.
Now, I wonder if I have any choice but to deal with it. I come to a point where I need to make some decision about the relationship that I am in, yet I don't feel that I know enough about myself to be making decisions for him. It truly does feel like I'm just running somebody else's life most of the time, and while I can't do much about it, when it comes to making choices like this, I feel like an intruder. But, if it turns out I do need to figure out who I am, I still don't know if it is a possible feat to accomplish.
Maybe this is just who I am, and that this entire idea of not knowing myself is just in my head, and there is nothing more to know than what I'm already aware of. I suppose the reality is that I am composed of many different wills, and that it is difficult to pull these altogether in a very coherent entity.
You know... I think I just want to put it down for a while. I was going to suggest that perhaps being out of a relationship might help me move in some new directions and learn somethings about myself. This may even be true, but it isn't what is important. I just don't think this is the right time in my life for this type of relationship anymore. I mean, I'd been looking for it for so long, but now that I've been in it for sometime, and I understand more about it, I think this is something that will suit me more in the future.
So, I want to go back to just being friends with Lisa. In my mind, it seems like that will be crazy to her, but I think I understand it, and I hope that somehow I can make it make sense to her. I mean, it really doesn't seem that different, being in or out of a relationship, does it? I could just be in the relationship and see less of her, or we could adjust the level of intimacy or anything. You don't have to end the relationship for any of those things.
I think it is the subtler things though. For some reason, being in a relationship seems like a lot of pressure. It seems like there are expectations even if there really aren't. It makes me worry constantly. Worry that I'll hurt her, or less selfless, that she'll hurt me.
What else... I guess this is sort of a selfish time for me in my life. Not selfish in the sense that I don't think of other people, but I'd rather not make any special commitments to specific people. I like to help people, but I don't want to feel depended on by those I help at this juncture. She says she doesn't depend on me. I believe her. But, the commitment is still there nevertheless.
I have the potential to become a very tragic individual though, and sometimes I wonder if thoughts like these lead down that path. But... I'm not happy with the path I'm currently on either, so it is difficult to tell. I think I will try this new one for just a while at least, and see if it isn't so bad. I think I can give myself some distance from people without rejecting society altogether. Ah, these connections we make with people are so important though. How can I maintain them at a level that is comfortable for me? Actually, most any level is comfortable with me, as long as it isn't too committed at the moment. The problem is, that that isn't enough for a lot of people. I suppose for now, I will just have to disappoint those people, or avoid them.
I wonder where Lisa lies in all of this. Could she accept me as just a friend? Would she be able to be happy with that? If she can't, will I have the resolve to go through with this, or will I give up on this trial to avoid hurting her? If I do that, will I not come back to this when the pressure builds once again, and risk hurting her even more? If I do have the resolve to carry it out, what will become of us? Will she become angry with me, will we not see eachother for sometime? Won't we eventually become friends again? Will it ever feel natural again?
If we stay friends, perhaps we will be lovers once more in the future, once I am ready for it. How long will that be...
Granted, I don't know that it will be her. I know that I have many times doubted it. But, I've yet to meet someone even close to being as good as her. I mean, she has her shortcomings, and I've met many people who don't have the flaws that she bears, but I don't think I've ever met someone with that same special spark that makes it all worthwhile. I mean, it may be easier with some people, just because of similarities or attitude, but I don't know if it could ever have the same sense of fulfillment through trust and understanding.
So, that is where things seem to stand at the moment. Or, at least that is what I've chosen to capture with words. Who knows what has been censored by my mind and how close I was to the truth in the first place. Writing is a nice activity for trying to straighten somethings out though. I just wish I could straighten my life out. I really don't feel like I care about anyone in the slightest at the moment... honestly, I think I'm more worried about what these people think of me than the people themselves... just the opposite of what I want. How strange.
I would go to see someone right now so that they won't think that I don't care about them, but not just because I care about them. (This excludes Lisa). I am not completely lost to it though. A lot of it is just that I feel busy with everything I have to do. Wasn't I supposed to be relaxing? God who knows anymore.
Alright, enough sorting for tonight. Time to get back to something that really matters. Or maybe I'm just saying that because reality is difficult? It is all real enough though, isn't it?
Please, dream of me.
