2003-10-21 - 1:10 a.m.
I got back from California just now, thought I should add an entry to tell everyone I'm back, though I shold really be sleeping or doing homework right now. I'll try and make this quick.
California is beautiful. My Dad has some great friends from his old days at Stanford there, and it was fun to see my brother Josh and his wife Sarah in San Fransisco. That being said, I did not enjoy myself nearly as much as I might have. And this isn't just complaining that I wasn't getting every last drop out of my day, I was really very unhappy at times. And I still can't figure out why.
I felt lonely, a lot of the time. That's crazy, I was with my Dad most of the time, or his friends, interesting, new people, or my brother who I never get to see. But I was lonely. I wasn't with my friends, I guess. Or I wasn't with some girl who I could fall in love with, or some other silly nonsense. I sat down with a girl at a coffee shop for ten minutes in the midst of all of this. She was friendly, pretty, I learned that she had moved there from the midwest for her senior year of highschool. Alma, pretty name, I'll probably not see her again. Well, it seems that talking to her more would have kept me happy, but that is part of what bothers me. It's always some girl. And that isn't to make less of my relationships with them. I really do care about the people I meet, the time we spend together is meaningful to me, and I like learning about people. But the fact that almost all of my interest in people is spent on good looking girls of my age suggests a bias in the relationships I form. I guess trying to stop looking for a girlfriend hasn't really changed very much, it seems to show anyway.
I got so frustrated with the way I was feeling, that I ended up just stopping myself and meditating on life for a while. All of my general desires and feelings seemed to have left me, so I had to start at the beginning to find meaning, to find a drive. I came up with this list, but in the end, it was the memory of my friends at home which kept me going in a comfortable mood.
These are the most fundamental aspects of myself which I wished to record.
What do I desire?
I want to be true to myself.
I want to help the ones I love.
I want to be a hero.
I want to understand better, myself, life, people, the world.
I want to overcome my fears.
I wish to fall in love, and experience the same love in return.
What do I fear?
I'm afraid that I will hurt people.
I'm afraid people will misunderstand my intentions.
I will not be able to live up to my ideals.
I fear the world needs to be saved, and that I will be too late to do anything about it.
I fear that I will always feel alone, always be sad.
I fear I will be mundain, and that this will bother me.
I fear noone will ever understand what I need *someone* to understand.
What do I believe?
I believe that I should try to bring out the best in others.
I believe all meaning is subjective.
Some truths are Universal, or objective.
Existance without suffering is nonexistance.
I believe in true love. It is not that we can find people who match us perfectly, but that our love make imperfect people ideals.
...
It is possible, isn't it? But maybe not for me. I have no reason to say that, yet it comes close to being on that list of beliefs. To just know that no matter what happens, there is someone who will be there to stand beside you, to forgive you when you make mistakes, to stand strong by you when aren't at your best, and to inspire you to always do better. How can that be so hard?
Maybe it isn't. Maybe it is too easy. It isn't meant to happen that way yet. Because they are too busy looking for someone else, or that I'm not right for them, or even too good for them. But I'm sitting here rambling about all this nonsense when that isn't even the real problem.
I've got people who love me like that. My parents, one, perhaps two of my closest friends. But my parents, and male friends. I wish that would do it for me, but judging by the way I act, it obviously isn't. So what the hell is the difference? Romance? I have all the paternal, and fraternal love anyone could ask for, but I don't have a girlfriend. It feels like there is a gaping hole their in my life. And it worries me.
Not because I think that desire should be unnecessary. On the contrary, I think it is very necessary, just not pressing. But what really worries me, is that that isn't it. I get hugs from my friends, that's nice, but the hole is still there. Suppose I feel in love, and there was romance, and holding, and kissing, and sex, and whatever else makes the difference between the relationships I have now and the one I seem to always be looking for. Suppose then, I find that hole is still there. And it might not be, and while I'll never know until that time, I feel almost certain that it will remain, and that I will still not understand it.
I still feel like I'm in the airplane. Very late, need to do homework, should probably sleep now. I read Ender's Game this weekend. Fascinating, enlightening. I was told it was good, but I simply had no idea. Amazing how certain stories just do it for you. I wish you could know that about books ahead of time, but then that would take the excitement out of it, I suppose. It's good to be back. Forget about the above, I've remembered the strength of my friends, and I can deal with it all of my life if necessary. For now I've got too much else to concern myself with.
-Dei Fortuna
