2003-10-26 - 7:37 p.m.
It's time for something real. I'm tired of games. But I can't seem to find the way out. Even now I feel myself slipping back into old ruts. Feels like the path for me has been run deep, and it's gonna take a struggle to move beyond the everyday that keeps getting me down. And I'm ready for that fight now, but I know I won't be later, so what can I do to prepare?
I feel like I'm lying to the entire world no matter what I do. Not because I'm not telling the truth, but because my actions are never percieved for what they really are, even by me. If I can't be sure about what I'm doing, how can I expect others to understand? Clearly I can't, so I won't. I don't know how to achieve that understanding for myself though, so there must be some other way of over coming this problem, or at least looking past it.
I'm waiting for something, but I worry that my time is now, and while I wait, the world passes me by. How long must I prepare before I move to action? What is this sign that I hang my life upon? Why can't I make this moment my moment? As always, the same answer comes out, I just have to try harder. But will that do it? It certainly seems like all I can do, yet maybe it isn't.
I probably should say such things without a guess as to what the answers are, but I do have a reason for them. Perhaps trying harder is just like trying to force something, and I'm just wasting my energy not looking for a better way. For instance, you could waste a lot of time trying to force open the doors to an elevator, when you could simply push the button and wait. But if I do not know that there is an easier way, how can I find it? As with most things that need to be found, I'm sure it has something to do with searching, but in what manner? I guess the answer to this puzzle is what I'm really waiting for, so in the end, I may not be able to get out of this ditch just yet.
