2003-11-09 - 10:11 p.m.
Me=stupid. Any questions? Ah, yes, you in the back, what is it? 'Yes, I just wanted to know, just exactly what in the hell did you think you were doing?' Ah, excellent point, just what in the hell was I thinking. Well, nobody is really quite sure, but the best answer I've seen for that question is that I had no clue at all, in fact, about what I was doing, nerves and all, being considered. Does that help? Good.
So, yeah, I feel like beating myself up right now. Not really necessary, but I feel like it anyway. I know what I have to do, I just have to make sure that I do it now. It is strange, I'm happy about everything with Stephanie, but there certainly seems to be a lot of negativity surrounding me anyway. I can get beyond all that.
I had Stephanie over today. She had to leave at first cause my folks weren't around. It would seem her father thought I was going to rape her or something. A logical conclusion I suppose. Anyway, that didn't do much for my mind set the rest of the night, but I think I'm finally getting over it now. The problem is that I worry too much, just got to stop that.
Meanwhile, I'm becoming ever more emotional lately. Which doesn't seem like it should be bad, except that it suits the cruel aspect of myself rather well for some reason. It just lies there, wanting to resent and hate and destroy and kill. It's pretty stupid though. At times though, I come to the realization that it isn't all bad, in some ways, it is there to help me. I just have to find the correct way to express, meaning not lashing out at all my friends and loved ones and showing all the negative feelings I have for the world at once. This seperation of the self strikes me as more dangerous than the thing itself. I just don't know what to do about it. Perhaps I'll reflect on that tonight. Let it out a little, see what happens, see if I get any ideas.
No, this doesn't probably make a whole lot of sense. Don't worry about it, it isn't meant for you anyway. I just need to write to clear up my thoughts and to get rid of some more of this, this, this, whatever it is. It has done some good. Good night.
-Chris Brewer
