2003-11-20 - 7:54 p.m.
I would like to share my journey to the interior with you, but I had an unfortunate accident along the way. I'll post it soon enough though, either here or at ourwords. For now I've got work to do... 41 pages of music read by tomorrow... 3 performances for the musical in december, all district band concert, symphonic band concert, orchestra concert, practicing for all state auditions... too much clarinet!
Things are going well with Stephanie, though we need to work on our relationship with her parents, it is making things tasking for us. For some reason I was worried about her this weekend, but I think I fell for a little more the other night. She told me not to call her on Monday, which made me somewhat sad I must say, but I knew she had our best interests at heart. I'm glad she doesn't get too lost in the romance to remember a little bit of pragmatism. It is a lot of work courting someone, it had been really cutting into my day, though it was time well spent. But I like the idea that I don't have to always be going out of my way for her, it makes things more relaxed. That really isn't what made me fall for her even more though. I dunno, it just made me realize something, like... I dunno, I guess it doesn't matter what happens with us, I just have to try and have a good time while I have the chance to be around her, and that is all I can hope for. Been teaching her some calculus... or trying to, there never seems to be enough time after we get started.
That all said, there have been some troubling things. I keep having rather intimate dreams about Lisa. Or rather, I was through the weekend, but I have since stopped. At first I was really bothered by this, but then I started seeing things differently. I think it is a protective vision. I dunno, have you ever been some place really high up and then seen yourself throwing yourself over the edge? It's such a scary thought, you usually won't even let yourself get near enough to the cliff because your afraid you won't be able to control yourself. That one is fairly common among people. I have one personal to me that is whenever I have something sharp in my hands, I see myself gauging my eyes with it. Keeps me very conscious about what I do with my hands. Then there is this. I see myself with Lisa, being unfaithful to Stephanie, and feel disgusted with myself. This fear too will save me from that fate. Like the other fears though, I have a feeling that it really isn't necessary. I'm certainly not about to fall off any cliffs or blind myself at least.
The other thing is Ellie... I don't understand it. I've seen her every now and then this year, tried to smile and be pleasent, and so far it has worked. But, I was at a meeting the other day, and really got a chance to look at her. She isn't any better looking than anyone else. Stephanie, in fact, is much better looking, unless you have something against short people. But something about her just calls to me. I get this feeling that there is something there between us that couldn't possibly be there. I feel a longing feeling I used to only feel in dreams. But when she looks at me, I feel scared, ashamed, and guilty, as if I have somehow done something bad to her. I can't explain it. The only thing that would do it for me is some memory from a past existence. An easy story comes to mind. I fell madly in love with this girl, but she loved another. Somehow in a fit of rage I did something to her or them, killed them perhaps, than I died, perhaps by my own hand. No, that isn't it. Perhaps I was supposed to meet her somewhere, but was delayed. She was attacked and killed, and I blamed myself for not being there on time. I wasn't just delayed, I let myself be late for something stupid, probably some habit I had that she didn't approve of. I dunno, I don't really believe in past lives, but this feeling would be perhaps the one thing that could convince me. It could just be a fluke, but why then? Why do I feel so overwhelmed when I see her? Why do I feel the need to run to her, to hold her, to cry for her, to tell her how sorry I am? Why? What do I have to be sorry about. But I'm sorry, even the more for not knowing why, and especially for not being able to tell, or even for wanting to tell her, or just for feeling this way at all.
Such a strange thing. In my mind though, there is only Stephanie. As far as I can tell, everything about Ellie is just some odd physical fluke. Something about the shape of her face or her carriage, I don't know her at all, and it is a persons personality that is really important to me. Plus, even considering the feeling, it makes her seem like some sort of untouchable beauty, someone who at best I could love as a sister. No, not even that. As a stranger, only I think. I feel like I am not supposed to know her for some reason. Oh, what she'd think if she read this. I know how this looks, don't get me wrong. It's crazy, but I can't help the way I feel; I can only be discrete about what I share with the world.
I will probably have to tell Stephanie about this eventually. She won't tell me, but it will bother her. She will probably know that I know this though. Anyway, right now doesn't seem like the time. She is fairly comfortable, but I think she might still have a hard time understanding that despite whatever unexplainable feelings I may have, she is the only one for me, so long as she does not desire for me to leave her side. And one day, if it does not happen because of circumstance, she will ask me to leave. Do not be sad about this though, when it happens, she will not regret doing it. From this perspective it seems regrettable, but we are ignorant now, and we knew now what we shall know then, we will not hate the decision.
Of course, we could stay together. It is possible. But not as we are now, not who we are. We must change for that to happen. And love can change people, so who knows. At the very least, we can look forward to a long friendship.
