2003-11-23 - 9:24 p.m.
Lately I’ve been enjoying my time with Stephanie, but I woke up Saturday feeling like a hateful person anyway. Same old story, I guess. Well not really. Not at all. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a bad person. Anyway, I can keep doing good things even if it doesn't make me happy. I am really sorry for troubling people with it. There is nothing Stephanie can do, or my parents, or my friends, or anyone.
So, I'm just being cruel trying to find a solution, because, there are people that care for me, and when I suffer, it hurts them as well. And when they can do nothing about it, it hurts them even more. So telling people about my pain when they are helpless to solve it only hurts them. I know, because I have been hurt like that.
Maybe someone can help me, but I don't know who. I guess I'll have to do it by myself, somehow, someday. But it's hard, and sometimes I worry that I don't really want to get better at all.
Don't worry about it. There really isn't anything to say. So, I will keep wearing my mask to the world, so that I don't hurt anyone, and keep fighting for the answers, until I win, or maybe someone saves me, or I guess what will really happen is I will just break and hurt everyone I love and then try to collect the pieces and start over again.
