2003-11-23 - 11:44 p.m.
I believe that I have found an appropriate solution. The problem is that emotions have become a trivial thing. That is not to say that they are of no importance, but that they are not important in themselves. They have only as much importance as anything else in the world. For instance, feeling happy is on the same level as feeling warm, or full, or comfortable, or pleasure. It is as important to experience ecstasy, as it is to experience love. Neither is better, more pure, true.
It is because emotions can have false reasons that they lose their meaning. That is, if I can find Love in a harlot, or in a drug, or in a wave pattern, even if there is a meaningful type of love, like you have for someone who is important that you care about, it does not make love important by itself. It is only important in those instances where you would describe it as true love. And it is thus the truth, not the emotion that is important. The fulfillment, I believe I have been calling it. It is now my task to learn how to disregard emotions and use fulfillment as motivation instead.
Disregard doesn’t sound quite right. That is to say, I believe now I am undervaluing emotion too much. They are as valuable as anything that is material, but alas, they are material, just like food and wealth. They are among the better material things to have though, so they are worth something more than that. Also, people believe there is more to them than material. But maybe I’m not saying very much, perhaps everything is material, and the defining character is not what I’m seeing, and that is how people can make the dividing line differently. But maybe fulfillment is not material. Maybe it is what is truly transcendent. But fleeting, transporting into what? I don’t know, though I want to find out.
The point is, emotion should still be a part of my life. An important part of my life. But I do not want to be controlled by them any more, do not want to be dependent. So I will learn how to work without them, work with them, work against them. I will learn how to completely ignore them, and finally, how to master them. Then I will accept them in my life. Use them when they are appropriate, be it positive or negative, and pay them no heed when they are not necessary. I will feel sorrow and hate and happiness and fear and joy and love and jealousy, but only will they matter when I decide they do.
I do not know how to do this, I do not know if it can be done. However, it seems possible, and a reasonable solution to my problem. I will try. My first idea is to try and conquer one emotion at a time. Sorrow has been giving me some great trouble lately. Everything seems sad, makes me not want to do anything but curl up an cry. I am going to drown myself in sorrow, until I cannot feel any further grief. Then, steeped in a pit of despair, I will meditate and reflect on the feeling, try to grasp it in its completeness see it for the material, not ethereal thing that it truly is. Then I will climb out, and will control it. If this works, then perhaps through a similar process further emotions can be mastered.
It probably won’t work. I’m probably going to hurt and confuse a lot of important people simply by trying. I cannot tell them this, but I can try to get them to understand that it isn’t their fault, that they don’t have to feel bad. I can live with this for all people, except for Stephanie. She is in an important position in my mind, and I am in hers, or so I believe. This possession might suggest to some that they should be able to help with all problems, and that if they can’t they shouldn’t be there. Maybe there is some truth to this. I have looked for a long time for someone to heal me, who I believe would be my true love. Stephanie probably can’t heal me, though I don’t think anyone can. If I thought they could, I’d have some idea of how they’d do it, and I’d understand it and wouldn’t need them for it at all. So if it is possible, it will be in some way wholly new to me. And it wouldn’t be any more surprising to me if Stephanie could do this than if anyone else did it. So I will share this with in the best way I know how, and allow her the chance to act. I will not ask, because that is not fair, but it is no less unfair not to tell her at all. I believe she would want the chance, and I’ll not deny her.
I just hope that she doesn’t give up on us if she isn’t able to do it. It is too much to ask of anyone, which is why I’m seeking my own solution. Really what I’m seeking is enlightenment, something that takes people years to come to, and the means of achieving it are mysterious and questionable. Frankly, only those who are enlightened can be sure that it is a reality. I’m going to seek it myself. Sounds vain, just like me. I will find a way somehow. The problem with it though, is that I wish to be enlightened so that I can live my life, where as it seems most people live their lives to become enlightened. So maybe my way is doomed to failure. Probably something in the definition that says this cannot be your goal. Even if that is so, I will try. Maybe what I’m seeking is something different than enlightenment anyway.
The worst part though, is that I might wake up tomorrow, and everything will be okay. I’ll have lost the depression, and life will go on as it always has, and I won’t need to change after all. This will not do any good then. Someday, I’ll feel like I do now again, and agonize and not know what to do, having forgotten this. And maybe I’ll come to this conclusion once again, and maybe that time it’ll work. But if it doesn’t work this time, perhaps it never will. I’ll always find the answer, but then not need it,
