2003-11-29 - 11:33 p.m.
I just watched the Fiddler on the Roof for the first time, a good thing, since I have an eight hour rehersal for it tomorrow. And then at least three five hour rehersals Monday through Wednesday, and then three performances Thursday through Saturday. My History final is this week, the SAT II subject test is on Saturday. I need to get my college applications finished soon. I have two jobs, a family, and many friends to consider. I'm feeling stressed. It probably isn't as bad as it seems, but when stress hits you, it can blow things out of proportion. Anyway, enough about that, I don't think that is what is bothering me. In fact, I don't think anything is bothering me!
Except as mush as I say that and tell people that, something is bothering me. It isn't the stress itself. It isn't the sorrow, whether for good cause or for trivial reasons. It's not loneliness or the problems of the world or boredom or emptiness or nerves or failure or even confusion really. It's none of these things that I'm tempted to blame, that could be there, that may really be there. It's just that I see them as a problem, that I tell myself that I'm struggling every day against them. That I believe life is hard, not easy. I think life is easy, I tell myself it is, but I don't believe it. That's why I feel the way I do. So I'm going to shout to the world that it is easy, and I'm not going to struggle, I'm just going to do it, it is really a simple matter.
Now to deal with emotions and confusion. I feel all of the sudden very much like a child. The simple wonders and oddities of the world move me to laughter and fits of giggles, and the most minor set backs and misfortunes can bring a tear to my eye. I used to feel so confident about my emotions. I felt sad and happy, but this did not distract from good and bad, right and wrong. I felt mature, like I new what I believed, and I could decide for myself. And now I just can't say for sure... like I said, I feel like a child. My only condolence though, is the thought that maybe being so sure of my values was really the immature thing to do. Perhaps clinging to them was my only way of surviving and excelling up to this point. My reliance on the sureness may have helped me in some ways, but perhaps overall it was preventing my development.
I used to feel like there was a right thing to do, and that that is what you should always do. Do the right thing now, and hope for the best. But perhaps we can't always do the right thing, or perhaps we must stray from our virtues now for a better tomorrow. For people make bad decisions every day, and sometimes they turn out for the better anyway. Sometimes I begin to wonder if the decisions themselves even matter that much. Who cares if we are right or wrong, good must come of it eventually.
Of course I know right now that is wrong. If good must come of it eventually, we might as well try to make the right choices anyway. Maybe no one can have the endall word on right and wrong, but we can at least decide for ourselves. I think I'm content with that. I'll try to do what I think is right. I hope you'll do the same. Or perhaps do what you think is best, maybe even if you don't think it is right. I could probably live with that as well.
Finally, this seems a bit astray from the rest of this, but I'd been meaning to mention it anyway. The subject of sex is seen as taboo by the general public, though perhaps not even the majority of people. I have seen this and acted in a way that seems proper and respectful to me for others, though of course allowing myself to my own conclusions. But frankly, I have not thought about it much.
For all of my life, I have been shown sex as an evil. Never considered it as one, but always associated with them. Pleasure is among those things like power and wealth that heathens seek out who care for nothing that I hold dear. Because of its association with such people, I stayed far far away from it. My reaction really is to treat it as an evil, something to be hated.
For instance, going into a relationship physicality bothers me. There is some dark and tangled chain that connects Love to greed and perversion. I know that it is not a fact of life, that this connection does not have to exist, but it has been planted very firmly in my mind. To love someone so deeply, to share all that you can, both in mind and body. There is nothing wrong with this, yet sex is attached to so many cruel things in my mind that I have difficulty seeing this at times. Even writing this here is hard for me because of my disposition. In fact, I will probably continue this later after reflecting on the issue more in fleeting thoughts, rather than here in hard words.
It seems odd that I should come up with this all of the sudden. Why now of all times. I'd be tempted to say it had something to do with Stephanie at first. Of course, that seems a natural conclusion. But I really don't think that is it. Certainly entering into an intimate relationship makes you think about some things of this nature, but that hasn't been on my mind very much, and when it is, my thoughts are of a different nature. (Actually I just like to laugh at myself for worrying about her pressuring me for sex... well, I don't really worry, but the idea seems amusing. A guy breaking up with his younger girl friend because he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Then again, maybe this humor is representive of some real deep seated fear that I have. One can only guess...) No, it isn't Stephanie. This issue has bugged me for a long time now, but I've yet to do anything about it. Too weak, I guess, needed something to get me going. I turned eighteen a few weeks ago, it just seemed like it would be a good idea to get this all in order. I'm tired of acting naive. I do a lot of acting, y'know, and sometimes I'm worried that I won't be true to my friends. But not right now. My masks are for the public and society, the people that need the masks. I gladly remove them for anyone who asks.
...well, almost anyone. There are one or two who ask, and I can't always. Either because I don't have time for everyone to study my real face, or because I just don't think some people could take it. I wonder though... do I really take the mask off for anyone? Or do I just make special masks for those select people? Would that be such a bad thing? Perhaps there is only a monster under all of the masks, or perhaps there is no face at all?
I have asked these questions many times, but there aren't any good answers. I can only assume that I'm showing my true self to those that ask. What else could I do? I think I will decide who I am, and not let anyone else do that for me.
