2003-12-14 - 9:50 p.m.
Like many times in the past, I'm back from a long break. Much has happened, I played the clarinet for our performance of the Fiddler on the Roof, and I also fell ill for almost a week.
The day I started feeling sick, I told Stephanie I would come see her. Unfortunately, the buses weren't running on Sunday, so I ended up running to her house (about four miles). When I arrived she was on the phone with her exboyfriend.
She tells me a lot about Daniel, and I've met him a couple of times. She says he's a good person, the best person she's known, and I don't doubt it from talking to him. However, my position doesn't allow me to see him in the best of lights. Though sometimes I worry that the discomfort I feel around him is not from our relationship to eachother, but rather it is a response to something I sense within him, something terrible and frightening. It is not goodness, but it may not be destructive either. It is some sort of powerful desire, but I can't tell what it is that moves him. Could it simply be pure ambition, neither for good or for ill?
He hurt Stephanie many times over the course of the past two weeks. They would be fine as friends for a while, but he couldn't be convinced that they wouldn't get back together. And if he had to damage her feelings to do it, then it was worth the risk. Well, that is how I see it. It is the only reason I would see someone who is reportedly so "good" doing such terrible things.
So I was a little upset when I had to wait a half hour to see Stephanie after I ran across town to her house. Not with her really, but just with the situation. He was in a bad place that day, threatening suicide, telling her her relationships would be meaningless, that I hated hime and only wanted him out of the way. That was a prophecy he seemed adamant to make true. But even to this day, I don't hate him.
Anyway, I did my best to comfort her after that, but perhaps I failed somehow, I don't know. She told me never to blame all of my problems on anyone, and I told her I could never do that. When she spoke to me that time, she looked at me and said my name. That reached me like nothing else, such a simple thing. I don't know if she understands the effect she can have on me though.
Anyway, since that day, Daniel hasn't slipped up again. She says she made it clear that they are not getting back together, and I think that perhaps he has finally accepted that, and maybe turned to his religion to help him through the tough times, rather than relying on her.
Sadly, for us, I feel rather hopeless. I've encountered a wall, perhaps. Not only am I unable to see her passions, but I can no longer feel her. Either she has stopped feeling, or has closed herself to me for some reason. If it is the first, it will be difficult. If it is the second, then it is impossible until she makes a decision. I worry though, that I already know what is in her heart.
She looks at me, and likes me. Well, she likes the things I do, the ideals I stand for, perhaps, the type of person I am. But she is having trouble loving me... something just isn't working. And the more she thinks about it, the more she realizes that she's trying, and she's beginning to wonder if you should have to try and fall in love. Even if she didn't mind, wouldn't it be cruel to me for her to feign such feelings. And so realizing this, she now moves from me altogether, trying to find a comfortable place to be with me knowing this. It seems like it must be a very cold and distant place... I want to cry.
It isn't just recently though. I mean, this closed feeling is there only now, but before... she would never seek me out. I would find her, I would call her, I would ask her to do things, I would hug her, I would hold her, I would kiss her. And while she never fought any of this, never avoided me, turned down my calls, refused to see me, cringed at my touch, let my lips meet hers unanswered, she would never do these things for me. I feel as though if I stop trying to see her, then I simply won't. That she enjoys my company, but does not desire it.
At first I thought it was because she thought I wouldn't like it for some reason, perhaps I'd been unclear about how I felt. But I told her... I told her how I never wanted to be apart from her, how I was always wondering what she was thinking, how I had to resist from always holding her when she was near. And nothing changed... though how she feels for me is still unclear, it seems apparent that it is very much different than how I feel for her.
I don't know what to say to her... I guess, I'm sorry I couldn't be the one. She knows it already, I'm guessing, it is just a matter of talking to her and leading her until she realizes it now. Stephanie... don't feel bad for me. I've been alone for a very long time now, and I can deal with it. It hurts to go back, but the pain is worth the joy of the past month. Besides, we can still be friends, it'll just be different. But we will have to be more equal as friends than as lovers. I feel that I spend a lot of energy fighting off depression when I'm alone, without the support of us, I don't have the energy to devote to searching you out.
Anyway, I've got plenty going for me, lots of good friends, hobbies and work to keep me busy. There will be time for you, but if your not there, I can fill the space somehow. I guess that's a blessing to me. Sooner or later, I'm bound to meet someone else.
But for now, right now, I need to cry a little. I need to feel sorry. Please ignore it, the feeling is true, but the ideas are false, just crude shapes that represent a feeling. I have a feeling I'll meet a lot of people in the world like you. People who think I'm a wonderful person, people who wish me the world, who want to see me happy with someone, but people who realize that they can't be that someone. What if they are all like that. I go throughout my life, meeting such beautiful and interesting people, none of whome are meant for me. A couple everynow and then may wish to be with me, but they will realize like the others that they can't.
Even then, I will find some joy in life, though much sorrow. However, there is something more important than happiness, and more true than Love. I can find this, and I will find it, so while I cry, I do not despair. I know I will find what I need in life, and I'll not let anything take away that hope from me, fate or not.
