2003-12-15 - 11:46 p.m.
Well, I'm a little more clear headed tonight, so I thought I'd write about my feelings for Stephanie now so I don't look back and see just what I had in a fit of depression and uncertainty. The nonsense about Stephanie not being able to love me was just, well, nonsense. Certainly it is possible, but I don't really have any reason to believe that.
However, her lack of affection towards me is very real, and I feel that I do need to do something about that. So, not having any better ideas, I'm just going to stop seeking her out with my affection, and see what happens. The theory is that if she truly desires to be with me she will find it necessary to do something about this, either seeking me out and trying to figure out what is wrong, or displaying affection towards me. Or she won't care/notice and I'll realize that she really isn't interested. That would be very unfortunate and sad, but not as much as would be if this were the case and I kept trying not knowing it is doomed to fail. The only bad outcome I can see is if she really does think that I don't want her for some reason, and my distance only proves this to her. But I can't worry about that. I can only tell her so many times about how my affection would suffocate her if I didn't tone it down as much as I do. If after telling her that I'd prefer to always be with/talking to/holding her, she doesn't get the message that I like being close to her, than even though I have a legitimate reason to worry, it isn't going to do any good.
I want to fall in love with Stephanie, but it seems I won't allow myself to fall in love with someone who is closed to me. Perhaps I really do only feel through empathy, or maybe it is just some strange defense to being hurt. I guess it could be good or bad depending on how things go. Right now though, I don't see any reason why are relationship shouldn't become more than it is. But I also feel that it probably won't, because even if she does like me as much as I could hope, I still don't think she's ready for anything else quite yet.
Maybe someday though... I'd be content if she'd just give me a hug every now and then. I'm struggling just a bit here. Time will heal all though, one way or another, I'll know soon enough how she feels. I'm waiting for you.
