2003-12-19 - 12:10 a.m.
I feel torn. I want to fall in love with someone very much, but I'm afraid of what it might do. I fear for those who love me, that I will disappoint them. I fear that I must choose among the ones who love me, and while that choice is clear, I worry that it will hurt the others.
It is foolishness of course. Conceit to think that I could have such an effect on others, and stupidity to worry about lost possibilities. I do mean it when I say that I am sorry for them, but I cannot deny that at the same time, I'm feeling sorry for myself. But these thoughts make me untrue to the one who I wish to dedicate myself to, and thus, I will abandon them, I must. For too long I have allowed myself to feel, to passively except such invitations. It is wrong of me.
I am renewing my efforts with Stephanie. She may not know what she wants, but I do. Perhaps, when I'm not around, she thinks to herself "this is okay, I'm doing fine without him, I don't need him," and she's right. But I believe she can be happy with me, and I will endeavor to show her that she does want me to be part of her life, perhaps help her realize that to need someone is not to love them, and you can love without needing. Blasphemy perhaps. Well if it isn't true, then maybe she will realize some day that she does need me.
I will never give up on her though. If she won't have me as her boyfriend, then at least I can be her friend. And while I can't help her, I can provide her with the reassurance that she'll never hurt me. The other day, she was so distant from me, for a while, she wouldn't tell me anything, perhaps because she didn't know herself. I was upset. She came up to me then and said, "now I've made you sad as well." Suddenly something seemed to click, and everything was better. "Yes, and why do you think that is?" I asked smiling. I don't know if she understood it, but it was all okay then. Actually, I'm pretty sure she didn't, my sudden happiness probably confused, maybe even upset her. But that's alright, it couldn't be helped. I'm not going to explain it here either, but I know that I can always be there for her now, even if it isn't in just the way she wants.
She never did answer my question though. I didn't tell her the answer either. She'll understand someday. In the meantime, I'm going to endeavor to be as true to her as I know how. I have not foudn the Stephanie that I love, but I believe that I will find her.
