2003-12-20 - 7:39 p.m.
I need to say something to Stephanie that I think will be hard for me. I'm going to ask her if I should give up. But probably not in those words. I'm tired of feeling this way though... the uncertainty doesn't become me, or at least I don't think so. How should I ask her though? It will probably seem strange to her, I don't just want it to come out of the blue.
I think it should be "Do you think you could ever fall in love with me?" If she says no, then that's that. If she says yes, than I'll keep on trying. Hmm, how about:
"I feel like I have to say something but I'm not sure of how to word it. Heh, its funny how words always seem to abandon us when we need them most. Hmm...I guess what it is is that I've tried to be very clear about my feelings for you, but I still don't really know how you feel about me. I understand that you're very uncertain about a lot of things right now, so it may be difficult to answer that question. *pause to think* It is difficult for me though, being so unsure. Do you think you could at least answer me one thing? Would it be possible for you to ever fall in love with me?"
That seems pretty good to me. Granted, there is no way I'll remember all of that or have the right opportunity to say it. But it is nice to sort out my thoughts. What the hell is wrong with me... I feel like tearing off my face or something. Such anguish and fear. Why does her gaze tell me that she's already given up on me? Please do not let this be true. I can't afford to have my paranoid instincts proven right again. If they are right about this, it seems much too likely that the greater fears in my life are justified as well.
I am unbeatable though. If your scared of hurting me, I am prepared to hate your feelings for me, to fight tears with anger. You can do what you will, stomp on me, spit on me, but you can't defeat me, so don't worry about it. But I can't hate you. Please. I can't stand this much more, hanging here by a thread. Either toss me a rope or cut the line and get it over with. I'll survive the fall; letting go of the line is the only thing that would truly kill me. That determination is my life.
Or at least I believe it is. Someday, I wonder if something will finally drive me to let go. It is not death, but the unknown that waits on that trail. It may be death, or it may be a discovery about who I really am. It may also mean defeat by that part of myself that I hate though. Then again, maybe that part is only hateful to me because of my ignorance now. Maybe letting go, I would discover a way to embrace it. Maybe instead of being beaten by eat, I would consume the darkness, and it would make me stronger. Maybe... that is a lot of maybes. I don't know anything.
Somehow though, there must be a way for me to learn to love myself. For I do not. Others try to console me, tell me that I'm worth loving the way I am. This only helps because of the thought, but it does nothing for the problem. All this says to me is: "it is okay if you don't love yourself, other people will still love you." I'm sorry, but that is not the answer. That isn't any kind of an answer. I need to learn to do this on my own. I guess I could be wrong, but I can see no action of anyone trying to help me actually teaching me love myself. Perhaps another will help me, but they could not do it intentionally, or at least not overtly.
That is enough for now. I'm doing as well as ever. I have to express these feelings when I have them, but they are not to be taken for anything. They do not mean anything as far as anyone else in the world is concerned. They are important to me, but I don't think they should be anything but a trivial matter to anyone else. Even you, who I know may come back and read this someday. I know that you can't respect me now. But if you can remember anything, please remember that I tried. Don't look at this and feel regret, don't see this as weakness. I admit my weakness and I think that makes me plenty strong. And I'll get stronger, you'll see. You must. I hate the way you feel about me as well, so please stop it.
Just stop, now.
