2003-12-21 - 4:39 p.m.
Well, I did ask Stephanie my questions. Her response was that she thinks it is possible that she might fall in love with me (wich she almost followed by saying "I'm not the type of person to deny any possibilities", which would not have helped, except that she actually said "I'm not the type of person to fall deeply quickly."), and then that if I were to treat her as just a friend it might make things easier for her, but perhaps not better. So now I have to make a choice. She has made it clear that she is not going to be active in this relationship ("I hope you enjoy the holidays if I don't talk to you over break" which in my mind is, I want to hear from you, but I'm not going to call you...) so I have to decide how much I should pursue her again. She said that above all, I shouldn't see myself as a burden, but that is a little difficult given that my attention seems to matter so little to her.
So I'm going to call her, perhaps every other day, and try to get together with her maybe twice a weak. That seems like it shouldn't be too oppressive. I don't like talking about it like this though. On the one hand, I almost feel like saying "If it matters so little to her than why the hell should I even bother, it's obvious that she doesn't care, and why spend my time on someone who doesn't care about me?" That isn't true though, she does care about me. And there is another part of myself that says, "if she is important to you, then shouldn't she be worth struggling for? Are you just going to give up because she's not making it easier for you?" It is a hard struggle between the two, so I compromise seems in order. I won't ever give up on her, but I may stop trying to fall in love with her and just treat her as a friend. I mean, one person can't do it can they? Maybe they can, I don't know. I have a gut feeling that I can't in this situation, that the only way I will fall in love with her is if she also falls for me. Perhaps that just isn't enough for her... that's kind of sad I think.
If nothing changes after break, I think I'll try to move one. But I won't be able to. I'll think about how much I wanted to be with Stephanie, and everything I do would only spite that fact. It would make me violent towards myself to try and feel about another girl as I do about her. The only hope I see is that I might get a chance to talk with Ellie, as I don't have to try to feel anything for her, that is just there. It isn't love, but it is a strong feeling, and I want to understand it. Have I truly done something to hurt her somehow? Why does she make me ashamed? My other option would be to lose myself in writing, to feel strongly enough about my story that it overcomes any of my feelings in reality. And I do think it is possible for my love of the characters in my story to overpower that which I feel for other people, because I can know them so intimately. And they are real to me, I am very careful to craft them in such a way. Actually, this is something I'll have to do as a writer either way, the only difference is that I would specifically allow my feelings in reality to be transferred to them.
That's all for now.
