2003-12-21 - 7:09 p.m.
The thought that Stephanie really does feel something for me that she understands, but cannot tell me is frightening me. I do not wish for her to regret that, and I want to give her time to find a way to express it, but waiting so long makes me just feel dillusional to think that she actually has something to share with me. If I'm not just being hopeful though, I hope that she figures it out while I'm still holding on to this... because if she doesn't... it would be sad. I suppose more than anything though, I shouldn't dwell on this... it's just that I read something now and again that reminds me of it or seems to give me a new way of looking at it and it gets me going again. But I'll stop for now.
I walked home from the Fellowship today (a Unitarian church where I attend a youth group). It is out in the country and it ended up being just under seven miles. I think I might have made myself a little sick, but it was a nice experience. Suddenly the world looks even a little smaller than it did before. Travelling a distance by foor that you haven't before has that effect. I think doing it alone helped too though, because I've walked to the next town with my father before, but since he was the one giving directions, it didn't make the distance seem as much mine to cover.
I was feeling a little morose today, facing a day of work by myself, as most of my friends were busy. My brother wanted to use the house cause my parents were out of town and he could have some privacy with his gf (later I found out they had just taken a bath together... my imagination took it to a slightly different place *shivers*). They offered to drive me out to Stephanie's, but I figured she wouldn't be interested in seeing me today. Fortunately, I had Lisa on the other line, and when I mentioned this, she offered to take me out for a while so my brother could have his privacy. That sounded good, so she took me to the library and then to deals. It had been a while since I'd gotten to spend time with her, and it really improved my mood. We talked a little about this Sophomore Micheal who she's been obsessing about, and I talked to for the first time on Friday. He seemed really cool/nice, and he draws in a style that I'm very fond of... perhaps he would do some artwork for me? I have enough money to pay people now... she told me he likes me as well, which makes me happy.
Anyway, I'm back now, gonna do my work, and I couldn't be happier about it. My brother and his girlfriend will by later tonight to play bridge with us, which should be fun. I had a good night of it yesterday, actually, that really helped my mood before I talked with Stephanie... I don't think our conversation would have gone as well if I'd started it all depressed. Things are looking up I'd say. At the very least, I feel better, even if my situation isn't any better. But just having a more positive attitude probably improves things for Stephanie and I. I might come in later to write some fantasy pros.
The only improvement I could add to this day is if I'd had a chance to see/talk with Stephanie. Maybe I should invite her the next time I go on a walk. Actually, I think I'll call her, I feel like sharing my day.
