2003-12-26 - 12:46 a.m.
I had another dream about the end of the world last night. I don't know if it was the end of our world, or the end of the dream world though. I related it to Lisa and my dad, though I didn't tell them that it was the end of the world. Actually, in my dream, I didn't know... that is why I didn't tell them, I don't really even feel like saying it here. I didn't know it was the end of the world, but I hoped it was. And while I know it is wrong when I wake up, I realize now that I still wish it to be true.
...
... ...
I spent this morning with my family, and part of the afternoon as well, the rest was with Lisa. At first we were just going to see Peter Pan in a group, but somewhere along the way I realized I was trying to figure out just how I feel about her. It is so easy for me to be close to her, and she is so accepting. I can just curl up with her, or hold her, and she'll hold me, or pet my hair. We talk about silly things, and laugh, and I just feel good being with her. Could I fall in love with her?
No, no, especially not like this. I realized today, that I can be happy with her, that she'd even be happy to have me, but I won't find fulfillment. With her my happiness comes only at the loss of myself, an exchange I would only make at my weakest moments. In her arms, I am suddenly a pet, or a small child. All I desire is to feel loved and comforted, and nothing else matters, my dreams, beliefs, fears... all of it is washed away.
It is frightening to me thinking on it now. I fear drugs, the false feelings, and the sickness and the needles. The idea of it just makes me feel ill and weak, sometimes I can't move or stand when someone speaks of them. But allowing myself to be lost when I'm with Lisa, it has all the real problems of a drug, yet I do not fear it, it does not make me feel sick, it does not seem wrong or unhealthy. And because of this it is of an even greater danger to me.
So I let it go. I will be friends with her still, but I will not allow that any longer, not while I've got the strength, the reason. Stephanie... I want more than anything right now to make her happy, yet around her I do not lose myself. I feel as though I become more instead of disappearing. I can't let go of this, not without a fight; it doesn't matter if she doesn't love me or even like me. It doesn't matter that her exboyfriend is jealous of me despite the fact that he still sees her more, still holds her more, probably is still thought of more by her, than me.
What is this that I'm saying? Do I love her? No, I can not say this yet, though I want to. But there is something more than friendship, something more than courting. I can't let go of her, I can't move on. Even if she were to cast me aside now, tell me she never wanted to see me again, I could not look to others. I would see another girl and think "maybe I could be happy with her," but my thoughts would always turn to Stephanie. I could never seek out anyone in so short a time after devoting myself to her. Perhaps eventually, if someone else came to me and helped me through. Perhaps. For now though, I think I would take Lisa up on her offer, become one of a circle of pets who she showers with love. I would dull the pain by losing myself in that light, and feel sick everytime my thoughts wandered to Stephanie, because this would remind me of who I am, and I would be appalled by my existance. And I could never last like that. I would eventually choose myself over her, and start once again. I would not die.
Why dwell so much on the possibility of disaster? Maybe it's for my peace of mind, but I really want to do it for her. I want her to know that she doesn't need to love me out of sympathy or pity. That if she refuses, she has not condemned me to perpetual suffering. But I cannot deny that I will be pained; nothing of so much value can be played off as so cheap. So she should choose only on what she desires and feels is right.
What do you desire? I offer you truth, understanding, dedication, and unending patience. If this is not love, than at least it was what love may be forged from. I have stories too. I am not so vain as to tell you they are good, that you will like them. I only have my hopes. I hope that my stories are my greatest achievements, that I will pour my life into them, and that they will show brilliance and be recieved for it. If my hopes ever come to be, then I will have wonderful stories to share with you too.
And you, who I know has so may wonderful things to offer. Your beauty alone would be enough, the quality of your smile, even when it isn't sincere (how much more wonderful when it is though). Your insight, that world you see that I so desperately want to understand. I ask only one thing from you, that I can see you find fulfillment with me, that someday, you see the value of us, and realize it is something you want, that some things are worth seeking out, that you can no longer rely on being passive.
I realize now that that isn't asking anything little, that this is much to consider. Consider this though. I have often wondered if it is right that I should spend so much time on someone who seemingly does not care at all whether I come or go, that perhaps I was being stupid and should move on. But then I realize that my feelings for you are worth the sacrifice, and it would be shameful to them to give up for such a silly reason. And so I will not deny them that sacrifice despite your inability to share your feelings. I won't ask that you don't require this of me. Instead, I would only ask you to consider if in turn we are worth a sacrifice to you. Could you do it, show me your love, leave behind this passive life. Is it worth it to you to do this one thing for me?
To finish with thoughts on my opening statement, if one delves deep within me, beyond the surface, they will find many disturbing things. Thoughts and ideas, desires and fears that scare or disgust them. I cannot deny that. But don't be fooled, it is not of great importance. For even while I feel the same fear and disgust for them myself, I realize that beyond them there is a goodness and truth that surpasses all others, that at my very heart, I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of or feel guilty about. So let no one flee from the darkness, it is only a shadow, not the night.
