2003-12-26 - 11:17 p.m.
As fate would have it, Stephanie was unable to visit today and see my brother Noah who is in town for the holidays. A shame, but she invited me to a party instead, which was nice. It was a bunch of Sophomores though, so I felt a little foolish, but I thought it would be fun as long as she was there. And it was; hell, the improv band thing they had going wasn't half bad (from my point of view, which may not be saying much). I had a nice talk with Dan who I sat next to at LotR, he seems like a pretty cool guy, I'm glad he is one of Stephanie's friends.
Then Daniel came/crashed the party. Well, he may have been invited, and he certainly wasn't unwelcome, but I hadn't been expecting him there. After that, things did not go well for me. I felt as though he were trying to keep Stephanie away from me, and he kept flirting with her. And being passive, of course, she did nothing, though on a rare occasion she would say something to me which was better than it might have been. But as the night progressed, my feelings for Daniel became steadily more and more negative. He thinks I hate him, he says my world is empty of hope and meaningless. Sitting there, I realized that he could make me despise him, that if I tried to endure it too long, I wouldn't be able to help myself.
I didn't tell Stephanie, and I probably won't, but I left my ride and ran home, so many negative emotions to rid myself of. I came to a point where I felt again as though I should forsake her, she who would let him take precedence over me, he who she has left for good, or at least I think. No, it doesn't make sense; I probably had no right to be angry. But I was.
I left those feelings behind. I can't give up on her, I refuse. I will not lie though, right now, I say that only out of principal, that I never give up on anyone. Thinking of all the good things right now just makes me want to cry, so I hold on with only that for the time being. But I cannot be around her and Daniel until I know how she feels. If I just had some sign that I was who she wanted, then I wouldn't care if she flirted with everyone in the school. But I am not secure in our relationship right now, and thus I have fear, then jealousy and anger and loathing and misery. Not hate... not yet. So I will tell her that tomorrow.
I hope I can be rid of all of this negative energy by tomorrow. I don't want that to ruin anything. I think I'll cry for now. I cried when I ran. I ran so fast, faster than I ever did during a race. The pain of the feeling dulled all pain in my body, all weariness, all fear. I kept thinking that maybe if I could only run a little faster, somehow I could help everything. When I stopped I could hardly breath. Holding my breath to take a drink of water was a necessary impossibility.
I hope tomorrow goes well. I need tomorrow to go well. If it doesn't than I am lost at last. I will lose what will I have left, and I will die. Alas, I cannot survive alone, and if she does not strive then alone I must be. I wonder if Stephanie knows, that she's killing me? But it isn't her fault, it isn't even mine. It is the cruelty of my father who bore me that I blame. Why did you think to ever bring such a wretched child into this world? Only to face the bitter harshness of reality and to be cut down in my blossoming youth.
If Stephanie rejects me this last time, I promise you will find no forgiveness from me. You will hold my limp figure in your hands, and lament for me, soaked in my blood. Only this can teach you the errors of your ways. Only through the sacrifice of others have I ever seen your pain. I blame you, but even you I don't hate.
I have not given up hope yet. There is tomorrow. She must not forsake me, she can not. I will find a way, love must find a way. My life either begins in earnest tomorrow, or it ends. As I see it, both will be a pleasent relief from this struggle.
I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't know what I was doing, but now it is too late for that. I've always been a bit reckless in my life, and now I pay the price. I wish I had some choice, but all other choices are closed. For you I'd like to say I would have done other wise knowing now what I do then, but I can't say that. It's been worth the risk. I won't say farewell to you just yet.
