2003-12-28 - 1:16 a.m.
Oh fate crueler than death! To suffer more and find no relief in its ending or mine. Her innate skill to bring pain without breaking me puts all others who have tortured to shame. How can she be a master of something she doesn't even mean to do? Please don't let this misery be extended merely to end in the same pointless death.
Stephanie did come over today. It was a trick getting her here, but I finally got her a ride, and we arrived at around 3:30. As it turned out, her parents had decided she should be home at 4:30. Not enough time for the decision I needed to make, but I would make it anyway. But then, she started telling me about she had a big fight with her mom, about coming over (well, about not eating first), and it seemed that she was really trying, and that it would be unfair for me to not give her a real chance. When though? Never. I'm not going to make a decision any more.
I'm tired of analyzing, tired of trying to figure out how she feels about me. I don't care any more, I just want to be with her, I just want to know that she's alright, to see her smile, to hear her laugh, to smell that flowery shampoo she uses, to feel her hair in my hands, to hold her. And maybe I can't have all that; I hope at least I'll be able to see that she's alright. But that is for her to decide, I'm through feeling like I have to make some stupid choice. I know what I want, and if she doesn't feel the same, then she has to tell me.
I guess I really am making a decision, just not the one I thought I was going to make. I will find a way not to let either of us down.
I want to make one other resolve tonight. I'm gonna try and stop doing things that make her worry. I think that part of the reason she holds back around me, or is unsure, is because she is worried about me for some reason, that I might be hurt. Maybe this is just wishful thinking, but it could be true. So I'm not gonna let her know I'm sad when she leaves, not going to laugh when she amuses me, not going to try to look into her when I feel concerned. I can tell that this gets to her, even though none of it is bad. It just makes her feel uncertain. So I'll try and do better about that as well.
