2003-12-31 - 1:38 a.m.
I don't care whether she likes me or not anymore. I'm sad that she didn't care for me the way I did for her, but what bothers me is how dangerous it seems for her to go back with him. I realize a lot of this is based on a false image I have of him in my mind, that she probably wasn't always completely truthful to me when she described her feelings to about him to me. But I have enough to know that I'm not being completely unreasonable.
She is passive, and he is assertive. I fear that he will control her until she discovers herself. More than that though, I fear he will stop her from discovering herself. The idea is almost enough to make me wish I'd spent more time giving her purpose instead of asking her what her's is. At least I'd have the comfort of knowing that I'd always be encouraging her, even if I did have to influence her so strongly to keep her from seeking him. Perhaps this is all a dillusion though.
The only thing that will make me regret anything with her is if these fears are justified. If she can truly be herself and be happy with him, then I have no regrets. Besides, she still has time to grow. I forget that she's not as old as she seems to me at times.
It hurts. But I'll survive, though my love for her is almost vanquished. It seems so cold saying it like that, but I'm not going to make the mistake I've seen so many others make. My love for her as a friend remains, but it will only survive if I destroy all other possibilities for our relationship. I'm glad that we might still be friends. And I'm sorry for us that we can only ever be friends now. I am certain I will be alright, I know what I have to do, but the pain still gets to me.
Lisa makes me happy though. Even if I can't find fullfillment with her, she can at least dull the pain. I feel bad about it, like one who tries to drink away their problems. But this just needs time, and Lisa makes that time pass quicker. And perhaps I can seek a way to find fulfillment along with the happiness, bring new meaning to our relationship.
I'm not proud of myself right now. I feel revulsion in so many things right now. I'm just too weak, too weak to even try and gather my strength. But soon, very soon, I will seek it out again. For now I will remain dormant, let the world pass me by in a stupor. But a time will come when I take hold of the strength I'd never lost, and become the person I can be confident in trusting.
I just need this time right now, for myself. Then once again I can give back to the world. I will bring an era of change that you would laugh at my boldness if it were described. So I won't. By the time you know, there will longer be room for doubt.
