2004-01-01 - 5:14 a.m.
What an amazing twist. I've found that my relationship with Lisa can and will indeed be fulfilling to me. Actually, it really isn't that amazing at all, I'd just not thought about so many things. The time I'd been spending with her was fairly shallow, but I see now that it was not the nature of our relationship, but the fact that we'd been so preoccupied with other matters.
I was worried that I'd be too lost in the indulgence of being around her, that I'd have to wake up one day and make changes. And perhaps that would be so, but she would not have it that way; how wonderful of her! She asked me what was going on with us, she was worried that we would just end up using eachother for comfort. She still loves David so much, and she doesn't want to risk hurting me. Yet she also remembers that at times she cared for me just as much as David, and still does. What's more is that since she's been from David, she has started to see the need to discover how to live for herself. Everything she said reminded me of how much potential she has, and I also remembered all the time we had spent together this summer, how at ease we've felt together since the beginning.
I've decided to go for it... or rather we have. I kissed her for the first time tonight, and she kissed me. Somehow it was just as it has been in my dreams, yet also so much more. The feel of the soft touch of her lips lingers with me, though she is already an hour gone. Perhaps only an hour gone, really; it does seem a long while though.
So what I'm really saying is that she is not a distraction at all. Certainly I can still get carried away with her, but I know she understands that I have work to do, and sometimes she even gets on my case about it. I can't say for certain whether this will work out for us, but I'm positive the experience will be worth it. And I'm not worried about us at all. I made a promise to myself that I will continue to care about Lisa no matter what happens a long time ago, and that will be as true a year from now as it is today.
Speaking of this, I have made a similar vow for Stephanie that I intend to keep. I will always care for her, but only for her true self. If Daniel in fact keeps her from this, then she may face harshness from me in the future. But I do not have great evidence that this is the case, so that may not be likely. Nevertheless, I do require a word with her. I already warned her to be careful, but I wasn't really sure what I meant at the time. Now I know. Tomorrow (Friday), I will see her, and then all will be said. She must come to understand how I feel about her. Even with this knowledge, I think it will be hard for her to understand the sudden change between Lisa and I, and I want to make it as easy as possible for her.
It looks like I'm out of the hole earlier than I had predicted. What a pleasent surprise. I'm feeling good about everything, except for Micheal. He's the boy Lisa's been spending time with since I was not available to see after she was ready to try and move past her break up with David. Move past isn't quite right, it isn't what she believes she's doing, but I think that it is, though I do think she would take David back if he were to reconsider any time in the not too distant future. I hope that with me, she is able to discover more about herself, and perhaps realize that she wants something more in life than David can offer, even if it means she isn't going to be with me. Then again, David might grow a little as well, and perhaps they would still be right for eachother afterall. I'm content for now.
