2004-01-10 - 12:50 a.m.
All I want right now is for someone to care as much about me as I do for them. Why are you hurting me like this? Why me of all people? I know, it's not me, it's you. Sometimes you just can't help it. Perhaps you stop caring, or it's just too hard to do anything about it. Please try though, for me.
I can understand that you wouldn't want to be around me all the time. That's fine, it's good to have space. But you have to tell me, as good as I am, I still can't quite read minds. And if you don't want to be held, I respect that, but that doesn't mean we can't see eachother at all. Everyone else, you seem fine with, but you push me away, because of who I am. It's only because it hurts that I cry.
I'm still here though, I'm not going anywhere, not now, not ever. Find someone else if you like, I'll still be here. Tell me you hate me, that you never want to see me again... I'll be around. Don't forget that. No matter what happens, no matter what you do, I'll not stop caring about you. Caring for you and being nice to you may be different things though, so don't be disappointed if you don't always get what you want.
In the end, despite what I'd like to believe, I'm a very weak person in many ways. I can be strong for you and the world, but someone has to be strong for me. I would like you to be that person, but it may be too much to ask. I suppose she's out there somewhere. It could be that your paths will join with hers, or that I'll just have to look elsewhere. Or perhaps she doesn't exist after all.
I know none of it's real, but my feelings are pretty strong right now. I feel like you hate me, that I'm a disappointment, that you wish I'd just go away and stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to do that, so you'll be happy or realize that you're wrong. But if you asked me back, I wouldn't come. After the way you treated me, who would? You'd be stubborn if I were. You'd say to hell with me no matter how you felt, and then we'd not see eachother on friendly terms for a long while, if ever. As satisfying as the thought of causing you pain after being hurt by you is, I do not desire that. It is stupidity, and I hate the fact that my mind works that way. But I also know that most people think the same way. The real difference is what we decide to do about it. I'm not going to leave even if I think you want me to. If you tell me, then I will. And if you change your mind, I won't scorn you. I'll be weak when it happens, but I'll do my best not to give in, and I'll be with you just like old times, or however you like. But I'm too weak to be taking on such a heavy load and too stubborn to ever give up. So it is up to you, and the only thing I can do to try and save myself is to warn you: if you are not careful, you will break me and I will die. I don't know if that matters to you though. I believe that it does, but I feel like I'm being to arrogant to presume that my existance holds any importance in your mind, despite whatever you may say in the contrary.
I'm sorry, I'm very moody right now. Hopefully you'll understand, though I know it is hard to be understanding in the mood you've been in. Don't take this the wrong way, it isn't you, it is just the way you are when you get like this, and the way it makes me. I still love you as much as ever. Don't forget that, please.
