2004-01-20 - 6:49 p.m.
When it comes to thinking about sex, I find that I feel rather defeated. I believe I mentioned that this topic has been bothering me for a while, some time ago, but I have not since followed up on it. Lately, it is a subject that has been bothering me more and more. In fact, tonight it seems just about unbearable. That may mostly be simply because I'm tired though. When I wake up tomorrow, it will not cease to be a problem, but it just won't matter as much to me. So I'll talk about it while it is on my mind.
I wish to speak with a sort of frankness that even I find rather disturbing at times. To honestly assess this situation I have to do just that, be honest. You can count on the manner this being similar to other topics I have written on with a similar disclaimer; only the matter itself is truly different. It is strange though, I wonder if I should put this where anyone can see it, even people I don't know in person. I guess I'll risk it.
Now, where to start. It is difficult being a man. I hear a lot about the problems that women face, menstruation, pregnancy, inequality. That is a lot to deal with, and I have no way of comparing to those issues, but nevertheless, men do have problems too. Or I assume they do. I wouldn't really know, being only one man. So at the very least, I can say that it is difficult being who I am.
Where does the difficulty lie? I'm sure there are probably many things, but what I'm referring to is the intolerable desire for physical pleasure, or the sex-drive if you prefer. This may be a problem that women suffer from too, but I’m not going to presume that it is. In my mind, that has always seemed unlikely, but there is really no basis for that. So, the sex-drive, is it really that bad? After all, it is obviously a very natural part of existence, and more or less a necessary one. For me though, this drive brings out all the worst aspects of myself. Or at least that is what I think. Perhaps it is only the belief that it has this effect that it seems so terrible, I can’t be sure.
Let me give you something to think about though, something I personally don’t like thinking about, but am forced to face from time to time. In my dreams, I often find that I will act without the scruples of my normal consideration. I act in a way that I believe is the way I would behave in reality if I were to abandon myself these passions. Passions seem too kind of a name for those feeling; lust suits it better. Going into great detail is more than I can handle at the moment, but I will say enough to give you idea. I have hurt people in my dreams, raped some, and I do not consider either of these the worst of what I have on my conscious.
There is something more in this part of me than just blind pursuit of pleasure. Consider, in my dreams, it would be so easy to come across willing partners (not to say that they aren’t ever; in fact the majority are) yet I instead find myself, or “it”, as I feel more comfortable thinking of it, creating people who are not, so that it can hurt them. One of my few solaces in the actions I have seen myself take in my dreams is that I have never killed in them. There is another though I might take solace in, though I’m unsure. Though I may have to chase, and force, the people in my dreams do not appear to suffer; in fact, most don’t really seem to mind that much really, and all of them get away. How strange… up to this point I may have been trying to look at it as being worse than it is. It is still disgusting, ugly, and hateful to me, but when I really think about it, it seems like it may not be as bad as I had thought for a moment.
To say I have raped people in my dreams… no, that is altogether incorrect. I don’t know where I came up with that from. I have tried, but there are really only the two circumstances: either they are willing, so it is not rape, or they get away. I cannot speak for the lust itself, but my subconscious has never actually allowed me to force myself onto anyone. There could be solace in that.
As for worse things on my conscious… not really. They are more just things that I found to be disturbing. Mainly things ranging from partners who I do not find desirable in reality, to partners who are not entirely feminine, or human; perhaps people who are too old or young, or are family members, etc. That is all rather disturbing in general, but there really isn’t much guilt, it is not that I’m being malicious in those dreams, just rather unscrupulous. Either way, I can’t let it get me down, I can’t help the dreams, and I know they aren’t unique to me. The problem still remains though. This part of me would act without any regard for consequences or morality. It may not be completely void of consideration for the well being of others though, as I have realized on further examination.
Well, I feel a lot better already. As far as posting here, I was considering at this point, not putting this up at all. To an extent, just writing it does accomplish its purpose. But there is another reason for including it in an online diary. I associate a lot of shame with this subject, and these feelings, and it seems unhealthy. On the one hand, I’m sure it is just a lot of information that people would rather not know about; however, I don’t like living with it as if it were some dark secret, because it shouldn’t be. So, I’ll admit this all here, among strangers. Sorry to burden you with this if it bothers you. I did attempt a disclaimer though. At least I can achieve some manner of relief through this without having to trouble people who see me on a day-to-day basis.
There is still more to discuss now, though it must be slightly different than I had anticipated, as I did not come to the same conclusion for what I’ve said so far, as I assumed that I would. I don’t know if this makes the problems easier or not.
The sex-drive, though not quite as bad as I might have made it out to be, is still no trivial matter. The people in my dreams are one thing, but those I encounter in reality are a much different matter; for one, they are much easier to hurt, physically as well as mentally. Just as helping people is my greatest joy in life, hurting them brings me the worst grief. I can live with the things I do in dreams, because I know that I don’t have control. If I were to abandon my control to passion in reality though, I’m may cause myself much to regret. It is when I am being consumed by the thought of pleasure that I find myself most likely to hurt others, to disregard their needs.
I’m struggling to remember just what the problem is now. It is very much an annoyance; it does represent some of the worst aspects of myself. But it is necessary, and I’m sure that with the proper prudence, I will be able to curve its potential for destruction. It’s just that… it seems so meaningless. I know that meaning comes from within, but I have a hard time giving it meaning. I guess it isn’t much different than most things though. I suppose the idea of conception provides some fulfillment, and then simply the intimacy and the shared pleasure between you and a loved one. I guess the darkness that comes along with it is just something that has to be put up with. Perhaps as time goes by, if I learn to embrace, it will seem to be less of a hateful thing.
Sex before marriage? Is that a silly question to ask? I really don’t know. Personally, I have no moral objection against it myself, though I am not sure how it stands in societies eyes. Well, watching TV and movies will certainly give you one idea, but I may choose to hold myself to different standards. I guess innocence has always had a certain appeal to me. I suppose the only real question is what your standards will be. Am I the type of person who could just have sex for the pleasure of it, assuming that the feeling was mutual, and no one would be hurt? I don’t know. I’ll say for now that I’ll have to have certain requirements in a relationship. Will Lisa and I measure up to those standards? I don’t know. Perhaps it won’t even come up. There is also age of course. Should I insist that I wait until I’m at least in college? There are practical reasons… pregnancy, disease. Again, I don’t know. I can say though, that I’m feeling a little better about being a man right now. I have just been feeling so very disgusted with aspects of myself lately. I can put that to rest right now.
Actually, it is somewhat funny, the reason this all came to mind in the first place was mostly a positive experience, and it involved dreams as well. Well, it wasn’t all positive. I dreamt I was staying over at Stephanie’s for some reason, and as I was preparing for bed, she came to my room. This is the part I’m unhappy with. She looked like Stephanie, but her behavior was that of some fantasy, or of a demon wishing to corrupt me. I’m sorry that I associated her with those things in my dream. Nevertheless, I’m quite pleased with the result. She threw herself at me, which of course, part of me found rather pleasant at the time.
However, she got to the point of attempting to undo my pants when my thoughts turned to Lisa, and I pushed her away from me onto the ground. I then paused for a moment feeling conflicted. I did know it was a dream at some level, I knew there was no harm in it, and that part of me was pushing awfully hard. But I beat it, I sent her away, and then preceded to have dreams about Lisa, of a much tamer nature (strangely my dreams about her are usually rather tame, things I’d usually not have to think about twice before relating to someone). This sequence of events made me happy; I’m not particularly proud of the fact, but it is a very rare occasion that I turn down the chance for sexual gratification in dreams, I simply don’t have that much control, and what little control I do have is compromised by the knowledge I always have lurking somewhere that my actions are virtually without consequence there. So, yeah, it made me happy, yet just that this seemed like a victory at all reminded me that there was a conflict in the first place.
All and all, I’m feeling a lot better than when I started. I don’t know that I’ve come across many answers, but it’s helped quite a bit. I really don’t care for the harsh realities of it all though. Lust and sex don’t mesh too well with my whole romantic view of life, so for the most part, I don’t think I’m going to change the way I behave or anything. I assume people still would prefer to be ignorant of knowledge like this, and I’m going to respect that fact. I must always remember that it is how we act and carry ourselves that determines who we are. I can’t change how I feel about certain things, or what I dream about, but I can affect what I act on, and what I reveal to other people. I think I can live a much sweeter life if I continue to ignore some of the more undesirable aspects of it, but I’m going to try harder not to demonize those aspects either. Keep everything at a healthy level of delusion. I’d appreciate any comments or suggestions people have on the subject. I know it is not a particular comfortable one for most people, as I’ve had an awfully difficult time finding people to discuss the matter with. I’m also open to whatever questions a person might have (I want to believe that is true at least), on the condition that whoever asks be prepared for an honest answer. None of this changes who I am, simply how I might be perceived.
