2004-01-29 - 11:32 p.m.
As my relationship with Lisa expands, it seems a sorrow to me that my friendship with Stephanie has diminished. I suppose I am to blame for this, that with all the attention I pay to Lisa, I don't have as much time as I used to to seek out Stephanie and learn about her. Other than that, I guess not much is really different between us though. It isn't as though she was ever willing to try very hard for us to be friends. That is putting it too harshly though. For her, I imagine it was hard, what little she did--calling me those few times, asking to practice together, inviting me to the basketball game--I'm sure that was a lot for her, but it is not enough for me.
I'll keep trying. I may even start to put more effort into it as my relationship with Lisa becomes more secure; however, nothing is going to happen at this pace. I guess what I really need to do is have chance to talk with her. She's too nervous around me once again though. Heck, I'm even a little nervous (wait, should that be surprising??). We haven't spoken to eachother seriously in a while, and it has fogged our relationship beyond any point it has ever been.
The worst part is the ill will that I feel towards her every now and then. It isn't fair of me, but I can't help it. I guess in a way I've always felt that she judges me, that as I was thinking to myself how I know that I'm not as good as I'd like to be, she was one of the ones thinking "I agree, you're not", instead of those supporting me, telling me to not stop trying, but also to be proud of who I am. I get the feeling she has taken to her boyfriend's view (or maybe it was always hers) that I'm doomed to failure, that I'm wrong in my convictiosn. My only response to that is to feel in kind. When I see her in my mind like this, I say to her, "what makes you so cocky? Do you really think that you've come to this conclusion because you can see my failings where I am blind? How do you know I don't only see them, but beyond them to possibilities even greater? I don't know who is right, but I know only a fool assumes that their truth is the real truth. Keep telling yourself that I'm beaten; there is one other thing that I know, I cannot lose." These feelings reveal more about myself than anything she could possibly be thinking of course.
So why am I writing all of this? To figure out just what I'm thinking I guess. To alieviate some of the guilt of these thoughts by admitting them to the world. It's funny, I thought that I could be a better person if I could just rid myself of such negativity. But keeping it all inside doesn't make it go away. Other people might think I'm a good person, but it doesn't really help me. I want to believe in it through my eyes instead of just their's. I feel good about this.
Brief interlude of relatively unimportant material. Now that I'm involved in a serious and committed relationship, what do I do about other girls flirting with me? In the past couple of days, there have been several instances of this, and I've not been sure what I should do. I've pretty much just ignored it, but doing that seems to have little effect. I suppose as long as I don't lead them on, they will eventually tire of it and stop. If I tried to stop them outright, it would seem rude. If they keep doing it though, I'm worried it might bother Lisa. I know Lisa would just bark at some people in most cases, but I don't like putting people off like that. And telling them like that... it does seem to seem a little vain to assume that that is what they are in fact doing in the first place. Maybe they are just being friendly. Pah, it isn't worth worrying about. If it does become a problem, I'm sure Lisa and I will figure out what needs to happen.
I love Lisa, just as I've been wanting to love someone for so long now. It is hard to say just what makes her so special. For me it is enough just that we have the chemistry that we do, that we can feel so at ease with eachother. It is enough that she simply returns the thought, that I know she loves me as well. But why her? It's funny, as much as she makes fun of me, as different as she is from me, as unreasonable as she can be from time to time, she makes me feel like it is okay to be me. It's not complacency either. She looked to me, thought I would be a nice person to know, and sought me out. She likes me for who I am, supports me in what I wish to become, but gives me the reassurance that no matter what happens, she will still be there for me. There are times when life seems so difficult and cruel. There are times when I hate myself, because I push so hard to push myself, and sometimes I just can't keep it up. She's there to tell me that even if I do stop pushing, even if I can't make a difference or save the world, she still loves me. And because she is there, I will keep pushing, I will make a difference, and if I can, I will save the world.
So does it have to be her. There are more specific things. There are feelings I have for her that I could have for no one else. She is unique, and what we have together is something noone else can experience, nor is it something I can experience with someone else. But no, it doesn't have to be her. There could be others. I'm just glad it is her.
