2004-02-01 - 10:33 p.m.
When I woke up this morning, I felt nauseous. Part of it was hunger; the rest was unease from what I had done the night before. It was nothing bad, or regrettable, or at least I don’t think it was, but it is taking me some time to figure out just how I feel about it. I felt a lot better after eating; however, the feeling persisted. I thought about a lot of things, and one thought in particular kept coming back to me. As much as I’ve tried to come to terms with it, the thought of having sex with someone makes me sick. It seems irrational to me, yet the fact cannot be denied. A nap would help things though.
I had a dream after I went back to sleep. I rested peacefully, and the thoughts that came to me did not make me feel unease, but rather acceptance. I still don’t know precisely how I feel about a lot of things, but I’m more comfortable at the moment despite that. It is unfortunate that there seems to be no one at all that I can talk to about any of this frankly with… that may be the worst of it really. It would even be just a relief to write about it with more freedom than the smothered ambiguity that I’m forced to here (for so many reasons), yet for some reason, there doesn’t seem to be any place I’d trust to right any of this down. Bah, damn society and its scruples.
