2004-02-19 - 7:25 p.m.
The only consolation to being whipped around so much is the feeling that somehow there is a plan for me. Funny, how much I would refute fate, how I always say you have to make it for yourself, yet I probably rely on it more than most people do. It is probably the single greatest assumption of my life that it will amount to something important. I mean truly important as well. Saving the world, curing diseases, traveling to Mars... those are all wonderful things, things I would probably do given the chance, but that isn't what I'm talking about here. But then just what is it? Maybe I don't really know. Coming to understand something, or finding fulfillment. Creating a story... or it could just be finding a love that will last. People come and go, but the right person... could there be someone who would leave me feeling nurtured instead of bereft? Is there someone out there who can at least make me feel important instead of worthless? I believe that there is. That really is the extent of my assumptions though, though that might not be all which it implies.
I except unhappy fates only with hopes of better ones to come. This is all the more bitter because it is presented as a gift won from the suffering of one who has already suffered too much. I accept it only because I'm forced to. It is not gift though.
The part that gets me the most, about those who try, is that they do feel bad when they fail. Your always sad because you know its stupid, that I'm a wonderful person, and you should love, and in a way, you do love me, but you just weren't meant for me. No, obviously not. You came into my life to effect a change in me, to enrich it briefly, to educate me, provide me with some key experience or feeling, and to introduce me to the others. How I wish you weren't just tools. I supppose that is a bit harsh though, you are probably more than that, or at least you will be.
I'm not angry with you, you can't help it, you were just trying. That's blameless. It bothers me to see people used like that, like you. I can do nothing for it now, but mark my words, I won't be a slave forever, and when the day comes, I will do my best to correct the evils of others. I also assume that day will come. Lastly though, I assume that I'm wrong at the same time. I will always feel that I can't be wise enough, that I'm missing the real point, that my happiness with what I do is really just preventing me from doing more. I have to be content with that, and do my best with it.
I shouldn't even be talking though, I'm just as guilty. The guilt is good though, it assures me that I will show pity on them. Perhaps your in the same boat too. In some ways, by condemning me, you are ruining yourself as well. That is reassuring, but I know that there are ways around it... I've looked for them myself.
