2004-11-16 - 12:35 a.m.
I think Lisa may break up with me soon. I'm saddened by this, but perhaps it is for the best. I've felt lately that I need to change before I can ever really love someone (if I'm in fact even capable of loving someone more than I love Lisa...), and that I don't believe I'm going to change until I've had to be on my own for a while.
As for Lisa... she deserves someone who can feel the way about her that she wants. Maybe I can be that person someday. I hope that I can still be there for her even if we decide that this isn't the best way. Who knows, maybe I can even be a better friend to her.
As for me, I suppose I'll be depressed for a while. I guess if things go well, I'll be happy, because I'll still get to be with Lisa. If they don't, it will probably take some time to get back on my feet. It all makes me question what I know about love, and whether or not I am just being foolish in wanting to help people. I guess wanting to help people isn't so bad, it is just expecting that you'll be able to do it that causes the problems.
*sigh*
Then again, maybe we'll somehow stay together... I can't really see it. I'm not really sure what I want, but no matter how I look at it, it just doesn't seem fair for Lisa to be stuck with someone as detatched from everything as I am. Maybe I can find someone who doesn't care about things like that someday... or maybe I just won't be with anyone... or, I suppose it is possible that I'll somehow change someday, but I don't like to get my hopes up.
Goodnight life.
